I'm so sorry.

Been wanting to do a post on this since last week, but wanted to take some time off to cool down. Don't wanna be too emotional with my post and then have to take it down later.

I'm probably the resident driver at home and usually the one driving around running errands. At times, especially when I'm still groggy being woken up after a nap, I tend to drive, uhm, emotionally? I suppose.

So, as the story goes, I was a few minutes into my nap, obviously tired as fuck. Then my mum came in and woke me up to send our helpers home. Busy week due to family event. For some reason, at that moment, I really felt I needed to say no to my mum's request. Told her, tiada orang lain ka yang buli ganti sa? Of course, her being my mum, I got ceramah free instead.

I got up, took the keys, eyes half opened, heart flaring with anger and started the engine. I was using my dad's car btw, which is a double cab.

To make matters worse for me (emotionally), mum made this guy follow me. So, I said some bad things. You know, things that usually jinx you back. I think he could sense that I was really uncomfortable and at the same time pissed off, so he just kept quiet.

I tend to drive unnecessarily fast when I'm mad, and this time was no exception, even thou I knew there were 3 people standing behind, on the truck.

Arrived at my kampung's intersection that led to the main road, and took a VERY sharp turn to the right. If you studied physics, you know that the laws of whateverblablabla...I flunked physics. Basically in my case, the 3 people standing in the back, was THROWN OUT onto the jalan raya. Partly due to my reckless driving and also the railings that they were holding on to, tercabut.

Took a U-turn, and OH MY GOD, nothing could express how I felt at that very moment. All I could think of was, did I kill someone? I am so fucked.

Parked the car, turned off the engine, got out of the car, walked towards them and the people that were already surrounding them, basically said sorry every chance I got. Everything seems woozy, I don't really remember much. I knew I was panicking. Then, ironically, the guy that I was so uncomfortable with, took over the whole situation. Thank God he was there. He took the keys from me, I got into the car, said sorry a couple more times, cried while doing so and called home.

We went to the hospital, and Thank God all their injuries were superficial ones. Not that it makes everything better. They would've never gotten those injuries had I been more careful with my driving. Fuck. I still tremble when I get flashbacks.

Everyone kept telling me it wasn't my fault. I knew it was. And I'm so freaking sorry. Still am, will probably be forever. So dear God, lesson learned. Never drive recklessly when you're angry or sad, or basically just emotional. Never.

I still get nightmares and at times when I'm alone, I get flashbacks and I feel so traumatized. Hopefully, that was the first and last experience I'd have.

Oh and the next day after that incident, another accident happened at the same location, but this time, it was much much worse and someone died. End of the year, musim tutup akaun.