I'm so sorry.

Been wanting to do a post on this since last week, but wanted to take some time off to cool down. Don't wanna be too emotional with my post and then have to take it down later.

I'm probably the resident driver at home and usually the one driving around running errands. At times, especially when I'm still groggy being woken up after a nap, I tend to drive, uhm, emotionally? I suppose.

So, as the story goes, I was a few minutes into my nap, obviously tired as fuck. Then my mum came in and woke me up to send our helpers home. Busy week due to family event. For some reason, at that moment, I really felt I needed to say no to my mum's request. Told her, tiada orang lain ka yang buli ganti sa? Of course, her being my mum, I got ceramah free instead.

I got up, took the keys, eyes half opened, heart flaring with anger and started the engine. I was using my dad's car btw, which is a double cab.

To make matters worse for me (emotionally), mum made this guy follow me. So, I said some bad things. You know, things that usually jinx you back. I think he could sense that I was really uncomfortable and at the same time pissed off, so he just kept quiet.

I tend to drive unnecessarily fast when I'm mad, and this time was no exception, even thou I knew there were 3 people standing behind, on the truck.

Arrived at my kampung's intersection that led to the main road, and took a VERY sharp turn to the right. If you studied physics, you know that the laws of whateverblablabla...I flunked physics. Basically in my case, the 3 people standing in the back, was THROWN OUT onto the jalan raya. Partly due to my reckless driving and also the railings that they were holding on to, tercabut.

Took a U-turn, and OH MY GOD, nothing could express how I felt at that very moment. All I could think of was, did I kill someone? I am so fucked.

Parked the car, turned off the engine, got out of the car, walked towards them and the people that were already surrounding them, basically said sorry every chance I got. Everything seems woozy, I don't really remember much. I knew I was panicking. Then, ironically, the guy that I was so uncomfortable with, took over the whole situation. Thank God he was there. He took the keys from me, I got into the car, said sorry a couple more times, cried while doing so and called home.

We went to the hospital, and Thank God all their injuries were superficial ones. Not that it makes everything better. They would've never gotten those injuries had I been more careful with my driving. Fuck. I still tremble when I get flashbacks.

Everyone kept telling me it wasn't my fault. I knew it was. And I'm so freaking sorry. Still am, will probably be forever. So dear God, lesson learned. Never drive recklessly when you're angry or sad, or basically just emotional. Never.

I still get nightmares and at times when I'm alone, I get flashbacks and I feel so traumatized. Hopefully, that was the first and last experience I'd have.

Oh and the next day after that incident, another accident happened at the same location, but this time, it was much much worse and someone died. End of the year, musim tutup akaun.

Bucket List Number 2: Checked and Done!

Wohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I'm a bit late in posting this but better late than never is what I usually say when I procrastinate. keke

Had a hectic few weeks so didn't really have time to blog this but pheww. Boy have I had a busy time. Lemme just say this in advance, I will not be commenting on the hoolapalooza that happened at KKIA that caused our flights to be cancelled twice. Damn you maintenance man. Okay done.

On to the main event! FINALLY was able to go and watch Big Bang's live concert after hearing about rumors since 2010. Thank you oppa's for coming to town! Even thou I had to beg and cry, I knew I jusy had to go! No matter what. 

The concert was A.W.E.S.O.M.E. It was my first live concert so I didn't really know what to expect but hell I knew I had a great time. Some were busy documenting the whole concert with their iphones,ipads and tabs  but me? I came a loooong long way to enjoy and fully experience the concert. So for sure I wasn't going to waste my time holding up gadgets in the air hoping for a clear shot. All I knew to do was sing along to the songs and dance. Yes, we danced our hearts out! Longest workout I have ever had in my whole life.

Big Bang. What can I say. It was love at first sight when I was 15. Years later, I'm 21 and I still love them to bits. Watching and listening to them in person, they were perfect performers. They sang live and danced the whole 3 hours! I knew I had good taste in men. Ahemm I meant in boy bands. 

Safe to say, next time they're coming to town (THEY BETTER COME AGAIN!) I'll gladly buy the most expensive ticket. The guys at the front had the most fun, I think the price was worth it. Next time Teng, next time.

Oh and thank you Cissy and Mona! The trip would've never been as much fun as it was if weren't for you guys. And dem deliciously good looking Korean boys. Nyumss.

My forever bias in BigBang, T.O.P! even his side profile is

nyummmmeh. eh I meant H.O.T.

Updates on my bucket list.

So way back in 2010, made a list of things to do. I did MUET, which I'm so proud of. And also, I had on that list, to attend a live concert by BigBang. Pretty soon I'll be able to cross that off my list! Concert tickets have safely arrived via courier and my Uh-Mayzing Parents have bought my plane tickets. SOBS. I have the most amazing parents.EVER.

I know I know. Some say, apa laa gila KPOP. Please. I'm only this crazy for BigBang cause they were the first Korean band I laid my eyes on. This was when I was 15 years old. I'm loyal that way. I don't go all crazy eyes over other KPop bands. Visually they are most appealing, but music wise, I getting tired of listening to the same generic sounds. But not BigBang. Me lurf BigBang much much.

Safe to say, teenager me is so damn jealous of 21 year old me right now. Muehehe.

Beware, for I am going to be emotional in this post.

Cannot.Contain.Emotions.Much.Longer.

Family is really important for me. I mean, they're everything for me. I'm nothing without my family. Extended family, on the other hand, some we're better off without. But blood is blood. Can't change your relations.

Shit happens, and arguments often lead to people not talking to each other even though they live right next to each other. Which is fine by me, but still kinda hurts, even a teensy tiny bit. Still breaks my heart.

They say time heals all wounds. I've seen it happen time and time again. No pun intended cause this is a mighty serious post I'm making. Ahem. This wound? Maybe it'll heal, but it may take a very, very, very long time. I just hope some of us survives through this.

But, more than anything, I hope my parents will not be left wounded.

Oh no Jose.(the title got nothing to do with this post)

Time to clean off the dust covering this beloved blog of mine. So, a lot has happened in my life between the last post and this. Not that my life has a huge impact on the world. Never has, never will?

But anyways, I'm still gonna blog about whateverrr I want to. Comprende?

So, finally in my LAST semester. OHGODNO, did I just jinx that by saying(typing) it out loud? Please I hope not. NO more complications please. I just wanna graduate from this place quietly and get on with my life somewhere else.

Exam results just came out. I did fine, but what broke my heart was that I got B- for an English subject. Oh I could just see my pointers literally going down the drain. That's what you get for not studying the subject that you thought was going to be a walk in the park. Deserved that B- I guess.

Presently, I have this feeling of anxiousness and nervousness that I cannot explain myself. And I don't like it one bit. Maybe I'm just scared that I might not be able to score tickets for the premiere of Resident Evil Retribution tomorrow? Or is it because I don't wanna wake up early for class tomorrow?

Or am I feeling this way because a certain guy asked me to try something but ditched me without me knowing what I did wrong? He said let's try, so I'm trying, but he went MIA. Awesome guy. Maybe I should just stick with my Facebook crush guy whom I'm never going to meet in person. Practically a stranger to me except for the fact that we have 3 mutual friends. Well actually I'm in love with his tattoo. The fact that he's kinda cute doesn't hurt either. Dating my imaginary boyfriend it is then.

ANYWAYS, crazy talk aside, its September. The year is almost over and I'm closer to that vacation I've been counting down for since April. Oh Korea, thou shalt wait for thy to come, won't you?

Which reminds me. I had a list of things to do before I die thingy, and one of them was to go to a Big Bang concert at least once. Come this October, I get to cross that off my list! Cannot wait and plus maybe I'd get to meet my KL friends who I miss terribly. Fingers crossed!

Arghhhhhh. Something is still not right. My chest still feels stuffy. What is it?! Danggit maybe I should change my mantra from living life one day at a time to YOLO. Fuck it, I'm going YOLO. Adios amigos!

This ends tonight(?)

Okay. Chugged down a big ass glass of old town white coffee. Off for a quickie shower to refresh my dead brain cells and then English assignments, I'm gonna massacre you tonight!

I sincerely hope so. Amen.

Assignments? 25% done.

Aaaaand it's almost the end of July. Blimey.

I'm destined for doom. Crash and burn. Mental breakdown. And suffering the consequences of procrastinating. Good job Teng, you TOTALLY deserve this.

God gained an angel.

It's been one helluva week for the Paunil family.

Lost one of our own. Frankly, I'm still in denial. I know I have to let her go for her to move on and live with God, but I just......can't. It's all so so sooo sudden that my brain is very much still in shock, it can't accept that harsh truth yet.

Moments when I'm alone are moments that I loathe because then I'd be thinking about her, our memories together. The laughs we shared, the sorrows we endured. My heart, it hurts.

What annoys me the most is the what if's. What if she had found out about the cyst sooner? What if she had gotten surgery at a different hospital? What if they detected the mistake earlier? WHAT IF.... and what could have been. Really. It. Hurts. So. Bad.

Breaks my heart watching her mom, my aunt, cry. Her funeral was...... Ergh. A tear fest to say the least. And her fiancee? He's so lost that at times he'd be crying holding her pictures and then there are moments when he'd smile all by himself. I wish I could show the world how he held and hugged and kissed the cross that was going to be her marking. Her mom, tearfully saying goodbye, letting her go.

Very much a scene from the saddest movie ever. Only this is reality. There's no director to yell CUT and she would suddenly wake up from her coffin saying did I do good acting dead? No. The harsh harsh truth is that she really is gone. Reality sucks.

I wish there was a pill invented that would stop this pain that I know all of us who lost her are feeling. Crying while driving is not good for my concentration.

God, if You read this, please, guide her and take her under Your wings. Allow her the eternal happiness that she so deserves. Make her one of your angels. She's the best candidate I assure you. Help us make amends and let her go peacefully. Let the memories stay but take away the pain. Please.

Sis Epy, where ever you are right now, know that we will love and miss you forever

and always, until we meet again someday. Rest in peace my beloved sister! :(

:(

Frankly, I'm still shocked. But I don't wanna delay doing this post because I don't wanna forget every single word I'm about to type.

Sweet, kind hearted, sometimes cheeky, sometimes shy, yet always friendly Fiona Elisa Fredmond passed away at 7.40pm today. She was 23.

My beloved sister is gone. After about a month fighting for her life at ICU Hospital Likas, her liver gave up on her. I'm in a dazed. Wanna cry. It still feels like a dream to me. I hope it was. I want it to be a dream.

But, God loves her more.

I know someday we will meet again sis, in the mean time, we will miss having you terribly and our love for you will always be strong. It's only been a few hours, but the pain is....... I wonder how aunty and uncle must be feeling right now.

A mother should never be the one to bury her child. It's...heart breaking to let go of someone who was in you for 9 months.

There's so much I wanna say but words just won't come into my mind right now. Rest in peace my dearest sister, until we meet again. We love you Epy!:(

This one for her.

Been feeling really emotional this past few weeks. Many knows about my dear cousin Fiona getting surgery to remove a cyst from her ovary 2 weeks ago. But what's shocking is the state that she is in now.

It was suppose to be a very straightforward surgery. She wasn't suppose to end up semi-unconscious in the ICU. Breaks my heart to see the state that she is in right now. My pretty and petite sister, swollen all over and unable to move, more over eat. She hasn't eaten solid food in 2 weeks! *tears*

The doctors say it's not looking too bright. Her liver, her kidney and her intestines are all badly affected. But we refuse to stop believing in miracles, in God. She will come back, she will. No matter how long it takes, she will recover and resume her life.

She just got engaged a month ago! This was suppose to be the happiest moments of her life. And her poor fiance. Quitting his job to take care of her. What a test to face so early in the beginning of their engagement.

Please guys, pray for her recovery. She's too young. And it's really heart breaking to see someone seemingly healthy, suddenly being in a state like she is in right now. We love you Epy! God, bless her with all your love, let her overcome this. Please. *tears*

She's the one in green, Fiona Elisa Fredmond. Sooo pretty kan? *sobs*

But she looks like a completely different person now. Come back to us!

Simplicity at it's best!

So, I turned 21 today. Meh. Nothing special.

Although, I have to admit, when I had my 16th birthday, I swore I would have the awesomest 21st birthday party everrrrrrrrrrr!

But alas, time changed me and I no longer want a huge party with a Las Vegas theme.

Instead, it was probably the simplest birthday I have ever had. Just went to Keningau to have some pizza with the fams, bought my own cake, went home, had my grannies and gramp over, sang some birthday song and voila, sliced the cake and I was done with my birthday.

21 doesn't feel so special after all. If anything, age only comes with more pressure and the fear of not being able to make it in this world. The urge to quickly succeed in life, knowing that eventually I will learn to hate my work and wish that I had no work at all. Blergh. I'll face those messy situation someday.

For now, I'm enjoying life one day at a time.

Trying to make a very hard decision. What to eat?

Thanks cake. You were delicious!

June 17th 2012

So, today was one of those "hari ini dalam sejarah" moments for my hometown, Tambunan. Our current Prime Minister, Dato' Sri Haji Mohammad Najib bin Tun Haji Abdul Razak had a formal visit. Oh and he brought his wife and the gang.

The first Prime Minister to ever reach the Pedalaman area. So, despite all the shenanigans about his imperfectness as our leader, that has got to count for something, right?

I admit, the government we have now is FAR from perfect. Then again, which country has the perfect government? You tell me. I don't know.

But, what I do know is that, Malaysia is not a war torn, disease plagued country. And I am grateful and thankful for that. Our lives here is really much much much better than many other countries. So, why can't we just be thankful? Instead, some want more. MORE MORE.

Yes, some things could be better if it were reviewed and revised, but there are ways to let the government know that. Civil and educated ways.

I'm saying all these because today, instead of being happy that a leader was willing enough to leave the comforts of the city to be with us, even just for a few hours, some were content spewing words of hate and criticism. And I was embarrassed for them. Speaking with you butt hole is never cool. And never smart. Nobody is perfect. If you think you can lead a better Malaysia, go ahead, step forward and be the change that you wanna see. No one is stopping you.

Oh ya, and remember, nobody is perfect. We humans were built that way.

Count your blessings, before they run out.

Oh Crap.

Great. Think I stepped on dog poop when I started this week.

First week of the semester ain't goin so well. Bombarded with assignments and haven't begun any of em.

It's a hectic week. With baby Hazel Violet being born and all. I'm in aunty mode, not student mode, so it's a bit hard concentrating on college stuff right now.

Oh and a relative passed away. So many things happened this week, my mind is woozy. Even forgot to submit our folklore title to our English lecturer. Which was suppose to be today.

Doomed. Starting off with the wrong foot I tell you! And haven't even begun with my project!

New semester, new headaches.

Yeah so, first week of the new semester.

I have four subjects this semester, and one of em, Final Project, surely will blow my brains out. I foresee the dark ahead, with this one.

We have to choose one out of three concepts of PR management.

A)Help a company build up its reputation and identity.

B)Help revive a declining product.

C)Help solve a problem faced by the community.

C was a sure thing option for me. But after thinking for a few moment, now it seems like I'm going with A. Graah. I dunno really. All seems really hard.

I mean, its not some minor project that will be done for the college. Its for a third party! An official company. We have until 3rd of August to complete this project. I don't know HOW ON EARTH I will be able to pull this off.

God be with me!:(

Break my heart why don't you?

Here's a story.

Last Tuesday, me and lil sis Shany went to KK to show off the Beverly Hills apt that we're selling to a potential renter. It was a fruitless trip as the potential renter didn't have much potential after all. But that's not the story.

After that so called business transaction, we went to Megalong for some retail therapy. Mind you, my wallet was on the brink of emptiness. So, I vowed (snerk) to be extra careful with my spending. So for a while all I did was look around while my sis did all the shopping. (Annoying sister with a job and paychecks every month. grah)

As the story goes, we went into a small boutique. At first I was just going to look around, see all the pwetty bags I couldn't afford. Then, one of my biggest weakness appeared in front of me.

The shop was run by an elderly couple.

Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The uncle was so so soooo excited when we entered. Even more so after I grab one of the bags on display. Lucky me it was on discount. Watching his hopeful expressions, I couldn't help but reach for my wallet.

And, his expression when I said I was going to buy the bag, was PRICELESS. Nearly killed me then and there. My sister noticed it too. Maybe due to our up bringing, we're all softies when it comes to the elderlies. He said thank you thank you and we left. Both shaken with, not sympathy, just.....pure sadness. To see that much enthusiasm over a RM28 bag, I was overwhelmed with emotions.

So much so that I urged lil sis to go back to the shop and buy something. A dress maybe. Haha. And she did. The uncle was shocked but he looked grateful, which was like another hammer hit to our hearts.

Back home, we didn't tell mum and dad. We'd be grilled to death. Spending money like we had our own bank. Maybe it's just a business stunt. Done to attract sympathy from buyers. But I don't care. I won' care. If it is that way, genius. Cause it worked on us.

I hope we at least helped that elderly couple a little. I really hope they get to enjoy the last years of their lives comfortably, not breaking their backs looking after a shop. That's what I would want for my grandparents.

Thankfully, it is what they are currently doing.

Anytime now!

So, my sister's water just broke. She's expected to give birth at dawn. Anytime now, and my niece will arrive! Gaaaaaaaaaah.

Words cannot describe how nervous and excited I am at the moment. FINALLY! With my holiday almost over, I was starting to worry that I might not be able to meet her before going back to the city.

Right now, I'm in the midst of making chicken soup for the mum-to-be. Again may I say GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Double Six Tragedy

I am mentally slapping, kicking and bitching my self. For being an ignorant brat.

I've been alive for two decades and TODAY only I learn about this extremely important part of Sabah's history? Great job Teng. Been feeding off your state, not knowing its history. You should be proud. *clap clap*

So, for those of you who's in the same boat as me (a moment of silence for our ignorance), just finding out about this fact, on the 6th of June 1976, hence the name Double Six (still don't get it? June 6th is 06.06., so now you get it?) a plane coming in from Labuan, carrying then CM, Tun Fuad Stephens, Datuk Salleh Sulong, Datuk Peter Mojuntin, Chong Thien Vun, and Darius Binion, crashed in the sub-district of Sembulan in Kota Kinabalu.

Others who perished were Datuk Wahid Peter Andau, Dr. Syed Hussein Wafa, Isak Atan, Corporal Said Mohammad, Captain Gandhi Nathan and Tun Fuad's eldest son, Johari Stephens.

The cause of the crash is still a mystery, but I don't really wanna dwell too much on creepy government secrets that I'm better off not knowing. What I'm really sad for is, apart from my ignorance, the fact that the deaths of those leaders affected Sabah's history in more ways than one. What could have happened to us if Tun Fuad still lived until today? But that question, sadly, will remain unanswered. We can only imagine.

So, in memory of the lost souls, the 36th anniversary of the tragedy, and the confirmation of my absolutely incompetent egoistic self, I dedicate this humble post to the Double Six Tragedy.

Rest in Peace beautiful souls. The reason I am living in a peaceful Sabah today.

Keep it up Teng!

Okay so got my exam results already. Hehe.

I dunno how and what I did to be able to pull this off, studying last minute and what not, but thank the heavens God I got a pretty good one. Took 6 subjects last semester, and aside from Moral Studies that haven't been checked yet by my lecturer (since he's away at the moment, went for umrah), my other 5 subjects went well.

Don't really wanna brag about my A's and that one B+ I got for Community and Government Relations. Eh, did I just spill the beans there?*winkwink*

So far, still sittin comfortably on the dean list. A few more months to huff and puff all the way to graduation Teng! Then I can worry about my future and beg mumsy to let me stay in the house until I get myself a job. And work full time on finding miself that prince charming who is fashionably late. Or maybe he missed the train, and the next train will come in a million years? :)

New Hair! Again.

So, new hair lagi! This time, I can only go shorter since gettin extension is not an option for me. Gotta say, I feel rockin with this new style. I know I swore that I would never get rebonding treatment ever again, then again, I'm always up for a spontaneous spur of the moment decision. So, witness le before and after pictures!

This is the before, mumsy and pregger sis both had fun experimenting with my hair. 

I let them have all the fun they wanted.

Aaaaand the after. I had to ask Aunty Justina to save what ever was left of my hair. Damage control.

I think its liberating, hopefully people will not find it weird. But I think it makes my nose and cheeks look chubbier, no? But I like it! ;)

Harvesting.

Okay so this year's Kaamatan was quite memorable for me. Despite my protests and all the pouty mouth expressions I could think of, mumsy made us (me,shany and peny) accompany her dance troop from school for their show at KDCA. From my experience, me and 14 under age kids don't live in peace together. And boy was I in for a wild wild ride.

The main reason why I hate going to KDCA every year for Kaamatan is because, lets face it, the parking spots. Such a PAIN on my legs. Not forgetting the HEAT and the ENORMOUSLY LARGE amount of people. Graaaaaah!

Although things got quite frustrating for me sometimes, seeing how excited the kids, especially the ones who reached KK for the first time, my frustrations melted away like Popsicle on a sunny day.

We took them for dinner at Tanjung Aru. And the first thing that some of them did was DRINK the sea water. First timers, so cute! and heart breaking at the same time. They wanted to taste what it was like since they have never been to the beach. Break my heart? Definitely.

Sooooo, even though at first I was very very hesitant to go, in the end I felt like it was alright. The kids had fun and I actually had fun with them. But that doesn't mean I forgot how frustrating it was to handle them all at once!

Pictures!:)

That kid next to me is SUPER cute. Future hart breaker I tell you!

Halloooo Kuala Namadan tykes.

Looks like a pro don't I? I can't even put make up on my face properly :p

Hope you guys had fun!

When bored, Post about obsessions.

I have many obsession. Him being one of em. I dunno really. His look is not what many would consider the conventional good looks, but I find myself drawn to his sexy gaze and mesmerizing charisma. Especially on stage. His voice? I melt faster than ice on a scorching summer day, M&M's in my mouth, when I hear him speak and rap. Breathe even. Sigh*

TOP, why you so far and unreachable? Meeting you is an impossible dream, but I will be content watching you from afar. Now, let us gaze at God's perfect creation. And drool some while we're at it. No? Just me? Okay fine.

Some may tsk tsk at my obsessions, but idk really. I know what makes me happy, and hearing and watching him is one of it. Saranghae!

Confidence is key.

If there's one thing I learned through growing up, is that confidence makes a lot of difference. Without it, we are destined to suffer.

I used to suffer once. I had no faith in my looks, I'm average to say the least. I have no talent whatsoever. I'm not the smartest student in school. And I'm spoiled as hell sometimes. Those were depressing times.

But as I get older, especially after I spent a couple years living far away from my family during my short stint in KL, I learned through experience that without confidence, you get no where in life. So, I started to build up my confidence one step at a time.

Being confident has helped me a lot in life. Usually an introvert when among strangers, I'm now confident enough that I like making new friends, even talking to a total stranger about mundane things like the weather. I'm also very content with the way I look. I used to think I was the ugliest girl on earth. But, why can that slightly chubby girl wear that super short hot pants and walk like she's a super model? Her confidence makes people look at her and be mesmerized. Even though some pessimists and party pooper may rain on her parade and call her over confident, it doesn't matter. It's their lost for not being able to see the real beauty within.

Her confidence.

Confidence means believing in your self, believing in what you have. That allows you to live and face life with complete assurance. Don't let other's nasty words and remarks bring your confidence down. Let it fuel it. Remember, confidence is key!

You, yes YOU, are beautiful no matter what people say! :)

blablabla!

Two papers down, three more to go. Haish. Studying last minute has always been something I wanted to change, I hate the stress. But somehow, it's the only way that works for me. That, and paying attention in class.

So, it's still exam week, but I already had plans for the holidays. But I'm off to a late start. I was planning to go home on Friday, but something came up and I have to go back on Sunday morning instead.

So what came up? I'm going to "Bengkel Kewartawanan & Fotografi" which will be held at UMS. Okay, I'm excited to go, but can't help but feel a bit bummed cause I really reaaaally reaaaaaaaaallly wanted to join the Kaamatan at my kampung. Lame  reason, I know. But IT'S FREAKING MAY people! The month of aramaiti! LOOOL

Anywho, I'm still looking forward to the workshop this Saturday. Well, before I discovered Public Relations, Journalism was my first love. I still do love it, but PR kinda is my thing right now. But yeah, this workshop will teach me a lot, plus I'm excited at the thought of meeting new people. Can't wait to make new friends!

My mantra gonna be the death of me.

I figured out whats wrong with me. NOTHING.

It's because I have been doing nothing that's going to provide me with a secure future. I know I'm still studying but after hearing the fact that I might finish my studies as early as the end of this year and not the middle of next year as I expected, I got a heavy dose of reality.

Especially after uncle asked me "apa la ko mau buat lepas abis blaja?". I didn't know what to reply with so I said "kawin laa."

Mum's been pestering me with her MLM ventures, Dad's asking about where I wanna do my internship. Uncle's and aunties keep asking when I'll be done. Grandparents waiting for me to bring back some boy that I might wanna marry. ARGH! First world problems.

But seriously, since my mantra is to live life one day at a time, I hadn't really given much thought for what lies ahead in my future. I really have not. *cue tubs of ice cream and thinking hats.

To make matters worse, I'm a master at procrastinating and daydreaming. A +++. Sigh. I really wanna make my parents proud and prove some haters wrong. But to do so, I gotta drag my lazy ass across the room, and into the bathroom for some heavy pondering, while standing under the shower.

Lost puppy.

Assignments are done and done. All that's left to do is finals. Then, why do I feel like something is amiss? Like I somehow overlooked something.... I'm having mood swings that I myself don't understand. When I go to college its like I'm a walking zombie. I go, but I don't understand the purpose. I open up my Facebook and get annoyed at random posts. I don't get it.

What do you want teng? Maybe I'll just blame it on hormones.

In the mood for some self promoting.

I dunno why but I can't seem to take a normal picture anymore. It would always be pictures with me looking like a troll. I"M CURSED! So, no matter how much I deny it, silently, I actually adore the pictures taken of me when I joined UN. HEHE. I mean, who doesn't like to dress up and become a princess every once in a while?

I know its so not in my nature to dress up and wear 12 inch make up, which is why so many were shocked when they heard that I was joining UN. Even more shocked when they saw the pictures. MUAHAHA. 

But yeah, I myself never imagined this situation. Mumy wants me to try again next year. I dunno. I dun wanna. But I kinda wanna try again. But naaaa. Better not. BUT, maybe if mumy gives me an offer I can't deny...like say, Tokyo? Or the Philippines. Or Sydney. Watever. I won't join. Maybe I will, maybe I will not. Who knows!

Anyways, next year can come now. I wanna go to KOREA so bad.

It's like I'm looking at a stranger.

My dady was super bummed about the results, aww!

And the journey ends here..?

So, last night was UN competition for mukim Lintuhun. As expected, my mulut memang masin! LOL

I kept saying, Numbur 6 pun cukup la, aaaaaand I got 5th place out of 12 contestants. Meh~ Good enough for meh. :) Yang penting, Bulan 6 buat passport! Muahaha

So, it was an amazing and tiring experience. At least now I can say, as a Dusun girl, I joined UN at least once in my whole life. But mum kept insisting I join again next year. We'll see bout that. Perhaps this time you should offer me a trip to Tokyo mum? hehe

But yeah, before this, I was cynical about girls that join this type of competition, but after walking in their shoes, eh make that high heels, (mine was super high!), I now know how much courage it takes to even walk on the stage, apa lagi introducing yourself in Dusun, my mother tongue, that sadly, I don't really master. 

I'm really okay with the results, cause winning was never my intention when I reluctantly agreed to join. Korea was. hehe. But word on the street is that many were expecting me to win. Even my dad was very unhappy with the judges decision. He was all saya ada pengalaman 16 taun dalam ni bidang, buta ka tu pengadil?!! haha LOL la dad. And of course, he said that in public. Embarrassing much dad? 

I'm flattered that people would even consider me as a winner. I'm really grateful. I'd rather be the people's choice than the judge's. Aaaaand my self-promoting ends here. Can't help it that I'm a narcissist. heh

All in all, joining UN was maybe a good decision. I got to challenge myself, and it was a good experience that I think boosted my confidence. In other words, I am now able to accept the fact that I am BEAUTIFUL, no matter what people say. Miahaha I love Christina Aguilera!

Korea?Yes please.

Ahem. How should I say this? This Sunday, I'll be competing in Unduk Ngadau peringkat Mukim Lintuhun.

Shocking, I know.

Those who know me personally would never have imagined this scenario. Never. Neither have I, but in this case, it was an action that I HAD to make. Even though I once swore that I would never ever ever take part in a beauty pageant, this time is an exception.

You see, mom made a bet with me and my sister, Shany.(she's competing in Sugandoi btw) She said, if we joined the competition, we shall be rewarded. Win OR Loose. The reward?

A 4 days and 3 nights trip to South Korea.

OH HELL YEAH MUMSY! Of course we would jump into the offer immediately, DUH! Gaaaaaaaaaaah I'll be visiting the land of idols and kimchi next year, March!

CANNOT WAIT!!

But first, of course I have to finish the competition. I don't really care about winning, cause I'd still end up with an AWESOME reward either way. Gaaah March come quick!

The Bucket List

So, there's this little baby girl, Avery. She passed away recently. She was barely 5 months old. Her parents started a blog on her behalf, and it was narrated from Avery's point of view. You should check it out. It's so heart breaking, I cried when I read it. And I cried even more the morning I read on Yahoo that she has passed.

Her parents, they knew her time on earth was ticking but they never gave up hope, and continued living life to the fullest for Avery. An inspiring act of love.

Her bucket list, inspired me deeply. I may not have all the time in the world, because no one can predict the future. Even the Mayans. So, I am going to live life to the fullest, not hesitate to have fun and do everything at least once. Which is why I decided,... Nah. I'll tell that on a different post.

This one's for Avery. Be happy in heaven baby girl. I wished I had met you in person before you went. Your parents are the luckiest people on earth to have had you in their lives, even just for a short while.

Dye Disaster!

Okay. Remember all those rants about me wanting to dye my hair blonde? Yah, those.

My hair is no where near blonde. It is a disaster. Some parts have color, some are still black. And I dyed twice. Different shades of color. With help from my 16 year old sister. Not from a professional hair dresser. The way I should have done. I might just have to shave it all off. I'm seriously considering that option.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Damn it. On top of that, we have a nagging nagster in da hause. We're immune to it but sometimes it gets a bit frustrating as we try and struggle to control our patience.

Oh Lord, why everything not going according to plan? You better not mess with my plans to watch The Avengers tomorrow. Please?

Don't think with your dick.

Okay. I just had to post something about this. It's eating my brains out!

So, le me is studying in a private college, so I know how much money it costs, no? So, I try my best to do the best in everything I do so that the money my parents waste will be worth it.

Imagine my feelings and thoughts when I see someone, anyone, coming to college just to have fun, waste time. GAAAH! Teenagers, Y U NO HAVE BRAIN? Fucking hormones. I was young once, but never that stupid.

And then when you try to give advice, try to talk some sense into them brains, you get nothing but anger from em. Sucks. Fine, have your life go in ruins.

Worth every sweat and tear.

Sooooo..it's the 23rd of April!!

I'm extremely glad the event went well and everyone had a blast. Tiring to the max? Yes. But worth it? Definitely.

We were able to make mini libraries for the kids. Even made cute flowers and butterflies. I knew I had some artsy talent! Well, a teeny tinsy bit lah.

The activities were hectic. The children were, well you can say a bit out of hand. Can't blame them. They have different stories that are absolutely heart breaking.

Speaking of heart breaking stories, there was this one girl, so cute, wearing a neon green tudung. For some reason, she avoided contact with our boys, more like cringed when they touched her. Turns out, her reason was because, she was raped by her own uncle. When she was six. And she's still a little girl now. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of hell she had to go through. Safe to say, I cried on the spot upon hearing her story. There were more.

Some kids had burn marks. Scars. And the way they said it oh so casually, "kana tuang air panas ba ni, bapa saya." was even more heart breaking. My dad would never ever do that to any of us. What kind of dad would do such cruel thing?

Enough. I might bleed my eyes out if I continue on.

So, the food was great. Thank you so much to Culinary Arts and Bakery & Pastry students for their hard work and effort. Not forgetting our lecturers who gave tremendous support, we would've went no where without their guidance.

All in all, I believe it was a success. Looking forward to more charity programs in the future. But after I take a huge ass break. Oh and dye my hair!

The night before.

So, it's the night before our big event. I'm super excited but at the same time, super duper nervous! I sincerely hope tomorrow will go as planned. Please God, no hiccups along the way?

Last Thursday was our first challenge. Pre-launching. Boy was it awesome. We even made it in the paper. Utusan Borneo. I am so going to laminate that article and show it to my kids someday. XD

So, 22nd of April finally is coming. I cannot wait for the 23rd. After that, this weekend, hellooooooo strawberry blonde hair! My hands have been itching so bad ever since I bought that dye color. It's been the one thing that kept me going through all this hectic managing. Dyeing my hair after 4 years.

LOL. the simplest things always give me pleasure.

Chasing my lifelong dream.

I'm dreading the 22nd of April. But I also want it to come so I can be over with this event. Don't get me wrong. I have always wanted to do charity work, but organizing a charity event? Not as easy as it looks.

So, Rumah Kanak-kanak Kota Kinabalu (RKK) is a government owned safe house for abused, neglected and orphaned children. The government takes care of them until they reach 18, which is when they are let go, to live on their own in the big old world.

On one of our trip to RKK for research, we got to know a lot better the stories that these unfortunate kids have. Seriously, whose heart doesn't break when you see a toddler, left by her own mother, being taken care of by strangers? Some are even being tested for HIV. So sad.

Makes me make a double check on all the things that I complaint about in my life when the truth is, I may be one of the luckiest girl in the world.

I just hope what we are trying to do with the donation campaign and all, it helps lessens the burdens faced by these kids. We will never be able to give them a life they wish they had because we're not magicians, but we can help them feel happy and remain positive.

Hopefully when the day comes, all will go as planned and flow smoothly like mango smoothie.

And after that, I will dye my hair blonde. Seriously.

Life is indeed a wheel.

New semester, new event, new headache, new drama. But no new clothes. Danggit life! Y U like wheel? One day I'm up there, today I'm waaaaaaaay down here.

So this semester I'm program director again for a charity event. Yeah, its for a good cause and all, but the stress?? The protocols?? Jeeez man. Makes me wish I wasn't someone people look to when ever they need work to be done.

Ok. So in the beginning what I had in mind was just something small and simple, just to spend time helping kids at the shelter. Then my lecturer went and made it some big charity event on a large scale. Don't get me wrong. Her intentions were great, to make us work even harder.

BUT.....

The lazy bum in me is crying tears of blood.

All that's keeping me going now are the weekends. I go running back home to Tambunan and spend hours upon hours sleeping in my comfy bed, never wanting to get up. Oh and Ojakgyo Brothers. But even THAT show's going to be over. 2 episodes left!:(

So now, I'm scrambling around looking for replacement drugs. I'm fast running out of cracks! Dunno what will I do next to release all the tension in mu head before we have scrambled brain. All I can do now is, wish it was 22nd of April already. Btw, its a day after the charity event.

Oh Hunger Games come fast!

Hey 1st love.

Currently feeling grateful for many many things in my life.

Who am I kidding.

Right now I'm just happy that I got book vouchers worth RM200, a gift (or bribe) from Najib to students of the higher learning institutes of Malaysia. Book shopping! My inner nerd is about to die from excitement.

And, it came just in time for the election. Wow, great PR move. I should learn a thing or two from this.

Speaking of PR, I got my Cutlip&Center's book on Effective Public Relations. Supposedly, its THE textbook for all things PR, and comes in handy for those wanting a career in this industry. And so far, got to say, I'm loving what I'm reading.

Never have I ever dreamed of the day where I'll be saying I love reading textbooks. Its a miracle.

Anyhow, I'm in my 5th semester, 3 more to go. Time to huff and puff like a sprinter but at the same time, enjoy the view like a traveler backpacking around the world.

Now, off to the bookstore! Cannot wait to browse around slowly, looking for books. Ah my love. I'm so excited, I'm about to shit my pants ;)

Moments like these.

Tonight was sort of a nice one. Mum and Dad had some people over for some drinks, so it was quite noisy for a while. Dad obviously got drunk, but nothing that we can't handle. I'm a pro when it comes to handling him. Years of practice :)

Surprisingly, the fun part started after the guests have left.

My brother in-law got me and my sisters together downstairs for some hanging out time. Lil bro got sleepy real early tonight. Still getting use to having a bro-in-law in the house, as much as I am getting use to seeing and watching my sister's belly get bigger by the day. Oh dear God, I hope its a boy :)

The in-law gets really chatty and witty whenever he gets a bit intoxicated, so he made us join his impromptu karaoke competition. It was HILARIOUS.

And surprisingly, I won 1st place. Beat out lil miss Diva for the coveted spot. AND won a pack of Maggie and RM3. Cash.

My first victory in singing. #iknowitspatheticbutjustbearwithmehere:)

All in all, it was a nice gathering. Even just among me and the sibs plus bro-in-law. Dad joined in a bit later after he got up from his deep slumber. Typical Dad.

Reminds me why I feel so blessed being born into this family. Really can't wait for the arrival of the little one. It's gonna be like sunshine coming down from the sky, descending into our humble home when that little one arrives.

Oh little tyke, you have no idea what family you're getting into. We are so going to suffocate you with love!

Here's one for the family. Cheers!

Fuck yeah me!

Exam result just came in. Not trying to brag but, I had five subjects last semester, and I got 5 A's. Just sayin.

High school, y u no like college?

Well well, this a good way to kick off the new semester ain't it.

Again.

Starting off my second year in college in a few days. I just want it to end so bad, but at the same time, I'm scared of what lies ahead after graduating. Scary as shit man.

2012 will fly by like a G6 and before you know it, 2013 will come, meaning, a year older, and no more time for playing around.

Ah fuck. Lets just get this over with pronto.